now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
