i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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