I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
