Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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