So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize