im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
When did angry sex become our thing?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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