I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
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