dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
