i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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