Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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