Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
