He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
