u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
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