i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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