4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
My room smells like vodka and shame
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
