woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
