he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
