Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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