in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
