There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
