Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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