Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize