I'm lost and stupid without you.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
