Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
