Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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