Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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