Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
