I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
