I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
