For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm like, not good at living.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
