tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
