I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
