i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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