wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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