dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
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