I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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