I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
