Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
