Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
