You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
