So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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