I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
