I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
