I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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