walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
