So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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