those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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