I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
