remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
