Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
