Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
