he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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