If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
