where am i from again
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
