Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
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