I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I want you more than these girls want KFC
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
