i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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