Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
