my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
In other news, I just burned my penis
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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