It's like God shit irony all over that family
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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