Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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