every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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